How do mom's take time for themselves? When do we, if ever, get to put ourselves first? This is something that I have struggled with all my life, and it has only gotten more pronounced since J & J came along. I find myself doing everything in my power for them, getting them anything they need, and trying to make sure they are happy at the expense of doing nothing for myself. The only thing I do for myself isn't really for myself. I volunteer. I give all of my free time, and some of my work time, to volunteering. You could say it is for me; I get a huge intrinsic boost from helping others.
That isn't the point I am trying to make. I mean going out and buying myself something just because I am worth it. Going somewhere I've always wanted to go, even if no one else really wants to go. Are these things that we give up when we sign on the "mommy line"? I didn't have "my" kids, and I can't imagine having any more children. So, do I just put my life on hold for ten more years until Josh is 18, and then resume my normal path? I find that an impossible, impractical, and stupid thing to do.
The issue is balance. How do you achieve balance? How do you manage to put yourself first at times, something anyone with a psychology degree will tell you is vital to being happy, but still be the best mom you can be? I for one am stumped. Part of my really believes it is a self esteem issue. I don't value myself enough to put other things aside and focus on myself. Eh, that could be. But, something I think is more likely, is that I want to be there for J&J. I want to do things with them just like my parents did. I want to be at every event, go to all the parents nights, etc. The problem is, for an anxious person like me, doing so much produces an extremely high level of anxiety.
I live my life in a constant state of anxiety. I wake up anxious, I go to work anxious, I come home anxious, and I go to bed anxious. I am always anticipating and planning the next "thing", never giving myself a chance to really live things in the moment. How do I know I do this? Well, the fact that I have been able to do some pretty remarkable things in my life, and I can't remember them. I didn't take the time to appreciate what I was doing, didn't make the memory, and now I have no recollection that I did something. This is not a recent thing. When I was 15, almost 16, an age any 29 year old should remember, I had the opportunity to go to the Atlanta Olympics. While I know inside I had a blast and loved it, I can not remember what we did. I was too busy worrying about what was coming up next (which I remember perfectly; we were starting to build our new house the week we returned, and I was turning 16 in a few weeks), that I didn't take the time I needed to then. I can't get that time back. Just like now, I can't get back the things I did yesterday.
Where does this leave me? It leaves me at the place where I need some guidance about how to put myself first for a change. Case in point, I received a $60 cash present for mother's day, with specific instructions to use it only on myself, not anyone else. The fact that that was the stipulation tells you something. I've had this for weeks now, and I can not think of a single thing to do with it. What I really want, is to go buy the kids or Mike new shoes. It doesn't cross my mind that maybe I should buy myself new shoes. It is still sitting in a card on my counter, because I get anxious just thinking about how guilty I will be when I do spend that on myself. Anyone have any ideas how to get through something like this? Anyone like this? Do I need a shrink?!?!?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
An Introduction
I have decided to make my first post an introduction to my kids, and what is going on with them.
I first met Mike's kids in November of 2004, almost 6 years ago. Joann was 9, and Josh had just turned 2, and in contrast, I just turned 24. Without going into too much unnecessary detail, the kids had been solely with Mike for a year and a half, and his parents had been helping him out since that time. I remember being so nervous the first time I was meeting them. We went to Macy's on State Street to see Santa. Talk about a surreal experience. I hadn't gone to a department store to see Santa in probably close to 20 years, and here I was meeting Mike's kids and his parents for the first time. Most of the day was a blur, except I remember his mom pushing me to get in the "family picture" with Santa. Weird. I'll admit, I was in so over my head.
How have I done it all these years? I have no clue. My only real feeling is that I have stayed around, helped out, taken on more responsibility than I know what to do with, and given everything I have to the kids out of pure and overwhelming love. And, although I am not a Beatles fan, I do believe truly that "All you need is love." With that in mind, I provide my introduction of my little ones, starting with Joann.
How do you describe someone you are in charge of who is just half your age? Joann turned 15 in March, and believe me, she is 100% a teenager. After this week, she will be on her way to being a sophomore, looking to start drivers training, and on her way to the magic age of 16, when she plans to start dating. Ha. Nice thought sweetie. Joann has embraced me with more grace and love than I would have ever expected. When Mike told me about his kids, and specifically when he mentioned Joann, I immediately conjured thoughts of Cinderella and the wicked step mom (hence our love of the movie Ever After, and my blog name). We joke about it constantly, but Joann reminds me all the time that she really doesn't see me that way. She has started/continued to change calling me "Kasey" to calling me "Mom." This is something from Day 1 we told her was her choice. I am not her mom, never will be. But, I will be her step-mom, and she is free to call me Kasey, Mom, or whatever. She particularly loves singing out "Mommy" throughout the house. I chuckle, but also feel a little weirdness that she is talking to me.
The coolest/weirdest thing is how many of my quirks Joann has picked up over the last 6 years. I am a little OCD by nature, which apparently the kids pick up on... imagine that. A concrete example eludes me at the moment, but I always smile when I hear Joann doing or saying something at I could have just as easily said, but she has listened to me, learned my way of doing things, and taken it upon herself to imitate it. It makes me smile. The biggest bonus so far? I have never once, even in the times of the worst yelling and screaming been told, "You are not my mother!". That is honestly, my biggest fear. Although I know I am not her mother, and telling me isn't really an insult, it's the truth, I really feel that I have to screw up pretty bad to earn that response. Joann went through a lot growing up, more than I really ever wish on anyone as a child. She has come out the other side, not perfect by any stretch, but definitely an amazing young woman.
Joshua, Joshua, Joshua. What a character! What a handful! He is turning 8 next month, and I swear he looks more like a ten year old! Josh was just 2 when I first came into his life, and he is quite honestly, a huge reason I stayed around. My helping nature and personality broke when I realized that his mother left him at six months, and has made no attempts at learning anything about him. Who does that? No one that "qualifies" as a mother in my opinion. From the moment I met Josh, he began to crawl into my lap give me a huge kiss and a hug, and crawled his way into my heart. We butt heads and argue about absolutely everything, but he wakes up every day saying he loves me, always can make me feel better no matter what.
I will be writing more soon - I think I am going to structure this as maybe one blog dedicated to each and our struggles/gains/experiences per week. What do you think? Anyone have any questions or ideas they want to ask? I am thinking of putting up a stereotype blog about step-parent myths, or step vs. real mom ideas. We'll see how it goes!!
Hope you keep reading . . . .
I first met Mike's kids in November of 2004, almost 6 years ago. Joann was 9, and Josh had just turned 2, and in contrast, I just turned 24. Without going into too much unnecessary detail, the kids had been solely with Mike for a year and a half, and his parents had been helping him out since that time. I remember being so nervous the first time I was meeting them. We went to Macy's on State Street to see Santa. Talk about a surreal experience. I hadn't gone to a department store to see Santa in probably close to 20 years, and here I was meeting Mike's kids and his parents for the first time. Most of the day was a blur, except I remember his mom pushing me to get in the "family picture" with Santa. Weird. I'll admit, I was in so over my head.
How have I done it all these years? I have no clue. My only real feeling is that I have stayed around, helped out, taken on more responsibility than I know what to do with, and given everything I have to the kids out of pure and overwhelming love. And, although I am not a Beatles fan, I do believe truly that "All you need is love." With that in mind, I provide my introduction of my little ones, starting with Joann.
How do you describe someone you are in charge of who is just half your age? Joann turned 15 in March, and believe me, she is 100% a teenager. After this week, she will be on her way to being a sophomore, looking to start drivers training, and on her way to the magic age of 16, when she plans to start dating. Ha. Nice thought sweetie. Joann has embraced me with more grace and love than I would have ever expected. When Mike told me about his kids, and specifically when he mentioned Joann, I immediately conjured thoughts of Cinderella and the wicked step mom (hence our love of the movie Ever After, and my blog name). We joke about it constantly, but Joann reminds me all the time that she really doesn't see me that way. She has started/continued to change calling me "Kasey" to calling me "Mom." This is something from Day 1 we told her was her choice. I am not her mom, never will be. But, I will be her step-mom, and she is free to call me Kasey, Mom, or whatever. She particularly loves singing out "Mommy" throughout the house. I chuckle, but also feel a little weirdness that she is talking to me.
The coolest/weirdest thing is how many of my quirks Joann has picked up over the last 6 years. I am a little OCD by nature, which apparently the kids pick up on... imagine that. A concrete example eludes me at the moment, but I always smile when I hear Joann doing or saying something at I could have just as easily said, but she has listened to me, learned my way of doing things, and taken it upon herself to imitate it. It makes me smile. The biggest bonus so far? I have never once, even in the times of the worst yelling and screaming been told, "You are not my mother!". That is honestly, my biggest fear. Although I know I am not her mother, and telling me isn't really an insult, it's the truth, I really feel that I have to screw up pretty bad to earn that response. Joann went through a lot growing up, more than I really ever wish on anyone as a child. She has come out the other side, not perfect by any stretch, but definitely an amazing young woman.
Joshua, Joshua, Joshua. What a character! What a handful! He is turning 8 next month, and I swear he looks more like a ten year old! Josh was just 2 when I first came into his life, and he is quite honestly, a huge reason I stayed around. My helping nature and personality broke when I realized that his mother left him at six months, and has made no attempts at learning anything about him. Who does that? No one that "qualifies" as a mother in my opinion. From the moment I met Josh, he began to crawl into my lap give me a huge kiss and a hug, and crawled his way into my heart. We butt heads and argue about absolutely everything, but he wakes up every day saying he loves me, always can make me feel better no matter what.
I will be writing more soon - I think I am going to structure this as maybe one blog dedicated to each and our struggles/gains/experiences per week. What do you think? Anyone have any questions or ideas they want to ask? I am thinking of putting up a stereotype blog about step-parent myths, or step vs. real mom ideas. We'll see how it goes!!
Hope you keep reading . . . .
A recap and catch up!
Here's my first blog with the newly named Blog! :)
A little about what this is going to be. First, I want to make it abundantly clear - I am not trying to put down other people, or make anyone angry. This blog is about my views on my life, and the things I do on a daily basis. My ideas and views might not work for anyone, or they may! I am always open to learning new tricks and trades, and hope you will share your thoughts as well!
Ok - now to the point of this new blog. For those of you who don't know, I am engaged to the most patient and amazing man ever. I mean, seriously, who can put up with being engaged to someone for two years who can't pick a wedding date? Some may say that I have cold feet, or don't want to get married. That is so far from the truth. For one, Mike is a furnace, and warms my feet up whenever they are chilly. Second, I desperately want to get married! Why don't I? My pervasive and obstructive lack of decision making ability. The thought of choosing one type of wedding and then changing my mind has me nearly paralyzed with fear.
With my engagement, I have inherited a house, two step-children, and two dogs. A lot you say? Yes, yes it is. The house is a disaster - not literally, like I live in a run-down trailer park. But, the previous owners, I am convinced, did EVERYTHING they could wrong. So, we work almost non-stop just to get things in the house livable, before trying to even think of replacing things. That is tiresome.
The dogs - oh, boy. They are something else. Digger, our 6 and a half year old Beagle/Basset Hound is the love of my life - sorry Mike. He is the sweetest and most loving dog ever. He is, however, just as equally the biggest pain in my butt. But, I do love him dearly. Remington, our 8 month old Am Staff puppy, is a little fireball. She is so sweet and loving, but at the same time, a mean and fierce little gal. She rules! And, I got to name her.... :)
Lastly, the point and purpose of my new blogging - Joann and Joshua. They don't know I am doing this, and I might not bother them with it. But, Joann, our beautiful 15 year old soon-to-be sophomore, and Joshua, our almost 8 year old soon-to-be third grader, give me plenty of material to blog about. I won't go into too much, since I am going to leave that to my first "real" post coming soon!
In closing, I hope you stay tuned to my rantings and ravings! Leave some input, tell me I am a terrible parent, anything! I really will read it, and take every comment to heart! I know I am not doing everything perfect, but I also know that I am changing these kids' lives. I believe for the better! Stay tuned!
A little about what this is going to be. First, I want to make it abundantly clear - I am not trying to put down other people, or make anyone angry. This blog is about my views on my life, and the things I do on a daily basis. My ideas and views might not work for anyone, or they may! I am always open to learning new tricks and trades, and hope you will share your thoughts as well!
Ok - now to the point of this new blog. For those of you who don't know, I am engaged to the most patient and amazing man ever. I mean, seriously, who can put up with being engaged to someone for two years who can't pick a wedding date? Some may say that I have cold feet, or don't want to get married. That is so far from the truth. For one, Mike is a furnace, and warms my feet up whenever they are chilly. Second, I desperately want to get married! Why don't I? My pervasive and obstructive lack of decision making ability. The thought of choosing one type of wedding and then changing my mind has me nearly paralyzed with fear.
With my engagement, I have inherited a house, two step-children, and two dogs. A lot you say? Yes, yes it is. The house is a disaster - not literally, like I live in a run-down trailer park. But, the previous owners, I am convinced, did EVERYTHING they could wrong. So, we work almost non-stop just to get things in the house livable, before trying to even think of replacing things. That is tiresome.
The dogs - oh, boy. They are something else. Digger, our 6 and a half year old Beagle/Basset Hound is the love of my life - sorry Mike. He is the sweetest and most loving dog ever. He is, however, just as equally the biggest pain in my butt. But, I do love him dearly. Remington, our 8 month old Am Staff puppy, is a little fireball. She is so sweet and loving, but at the same time, a mean and fierce little gal. She rules! And, I got to name her.... :)
Lastly, the point and purpose of my new blogging - Joann and Joshua. They don't know I am doing this, and I might not bother them with it. But, Joann, our beautiful 15 year old soon-to-be sophomore, and Joshua, our almost 8 year old soon-to-be third grader, give me plenty of material to blog about. I won't go into too much, since I am going to leave that to my first "real" post coming soon!
In closing, I hope you stay tuned to my rantings and ravings! Leave some input, tell me I am a terrible parent, anything! I really will read it, and take every comment to heart! I know I am not doing everything perfect, but I also know that I am changing these kids' lives. I believe for the better! Stay tuned!
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