Hard Lesson

How do mom's take time for themselves?  When do we, if ever, get to put ourselves first?  This is something that I have struggled with all my life, and it has only gotten more pronounced since J & J came along.  I find myself doing everything in my power for them, getting them anything they need, and trying to make sure they are happy at the expense of doing nothing for myself.  The only thing I do for myself isn't really for myself.  I volunteer.  I give all of my free time, and some of my work time, to volunteering. You could say it is for me; I get a huge intrinsic boost from helping others.

That isn't the point I am trying to make.  I mean going out and buying myself something just because I am worth it.  Going somewhere I've always wanted to go, even if no one else really wants to go.  Are these things that we give up when we sign on the "mommy line"?  I didn't have "my" kids, and I can't imagine having any more children.  So, do I just put my life on hold for ten more years until Josh is 18, and then resume my normal path? I find that an impossible, impractical, and stupid thing to do. 

The issue is balance.  How do you achieve balance?  How do you manage to put yourself first at times, something anyone with a psychology degree will tell you is vital to being happy, but still be the best mom you can be?  I for one am stumped.  Part of my really believes it is a self esteem issue.  I don't value myself enough to put other things aside and focus on myself.  Eh, that could be.  But, something I think is more likely, is that I want to be there for J&J. I want to do things with them just like my parents did.  I want to be at every event, go to all the parents nights, etc.  The problem is, for an anxious person like me, doing so much produces an extremely high level of anxiety.

I live my life in a constant state of anxiety. I wake up anxious, I go to work anxious, I come home anxious, and I go to bed anxious.  I am always anticipating and planning the next "thing", never giving myself a chance to really live things in the moment.  How do I know I do this?  Well, the fact that I have been able to do some pretty remarkable things in my life, and I can't remember them.  I didn't take the time to appreciate what I was doing, didn't make the memory, and now I have no recollection that I did something.  This is not a recent thing. When I was 15, almost 16, an age any 29 year old should remember, I had the opportunity to go to the Atlanta Olympics. While I know inside I had a blast and loved it, I can not remember what we did. I was too busy worrying about what was coming up next (which I remember perfectly; we were starting to build our new house the week we returned, and I was turning 16 in a few weeks), that I didn't take the time I needed to then.  I can't get that time back.  Just like now, I can't get back the things I did yesterday. 

Where does this leave me?  It leaves me at the place where I need some guidance about how to put myself first for a change.  Case in point, I received a $60 cash present for mother's day, with specific instructions to use it only on myself, not anyone else.  The fact that that was the stipulation tells you something.  I've had this for weeks now, and I can not think of a single thing to do with it.  What I really want, is to go buy the kids or Mike new shoes. It doesn't cross my mind that maybe I should buy myself new shoes. It is still sitting in a card on my counter, because I get anxious just thinking about how guilty I will be when I do spend that on myself. Anyone have any ideas how to get through something like this?  Anyone like this?  Do I need a shrink?!?!?